The Onion Really IS America's Finest News Source (Well, Along With The Daily Show)

Halliburton Gets Contract To Pry Gold Fillings From New Orleans Corpses' Teeth

September 14, 2005 | Issue 41•37

HOUSTON—On Tuesday, Halliburton received a $110 million no-bid government contract to pry the gold fillings from the mouths of deceased disaster victims in the New Orleans-Gulf Coast area. "We are proud to serve the government in this time of crisis by recovering valuable resources from the wreckage of this deadly storm," said David J. Lesar, Halliburton's president. "The gold we recover from the human rubble of Katrina can be used to make fighter-jet electronics, supercomputer chips, inflation-proof A-grade investments, and luxury yachting watches."

(Thanks, Zak. You know what I like.)

Reporting From London

I was going to write you a long, detailed post including the information that last night I saw Greg off to meet with his future wife and his mortgage broker, which I found quite funny, really; but it seems that while I was sleeping, London started exploding.

This post is to say that while those explosions were quite near me, here at Greg's place in London -- only blocks away, and I have walked through Tavistock Square where the bus exploded every single day since I've been here -- I am ok. Fortunately, my jetlagged state that involves going to bed at 4am prevented me from getting up and getting on the tube in a timely fashion, and I only found out about it all when Greg telephoned me here, worried.

At this point, the whole of the Underground and bus system is closed, and the army is in the streets. I am holed up at Greg's, and I believe, perfectly safe; though it is believed, at this point, that it has been a coordinated terrorist attact, intended to disrupt the meeting of the G8 in Scotland.

I will update again later.

When Can I Make Out With Jon Stewart?

Tds_photos_stewart6_big

People, I think I'm in love with Jon Stewart, because he called Tucker Carlson "a dick" on Crossfire, and even took him to task for that damned bow tie! AWESOME!

Go, Jon Stewart, go!

I Am So Excited About John Kerry! Why Does That Freak Me Out So Much?

In the last couple of weeks, I've gone from someone who was definitely voting against George Bush but had no real enthusiasm for the alternatives, to an active, whole-hearted supporter of John Kerry's bid for the Oval Office, and it's a strange feeling.

I think I can characterize my political experience as consisting of a growing distrust for any polititian, along with an eroding sense of pride in this obviously misguided country, which has never been at a lower ebb than it has been after the four years that George Bush has been in office. I guess that could be why my sudden feeling of relatively unalloyed enthusiasm for a political candidate feels almost as fraught and chancey as falling in love, with all it's attendant possibility for crushing disillusionment. People, I am an idealist, and I want to believe!

Without a doubt, the number one catalyst for my conversion from tepid Democrat, whose last spark of interest in a political candidate was in John McCain, to fervently praying to Sweet Baby Jesus that John Kerry wins this election is the effect of recently released documentary about Kerry's military service and protest of the Vietnam War, Going Upriver: The Long War of John Kerry. I'd say that the number one thing that convinced me in the film is the footage of his publicly speaking out against the Vietnam war with restraint and intelligence, along with the sense of duty, committment and public service that he expressed from a young age, and to which he appears to have remained true. That the film is most definitely PRO-Kerry is undeniable, but there's really no way to refute the simple fact that he spoke eloquently and beautifully then, and seeing it gave me a surprising new sense of what he's saying now, as well as a context and sense of his real consistency as a human being.

At the same time, I have to admit that I feel a little as if I'm standing on the edge of the high dive, wondering if the water's actually fine or not. All I seem to be doing lately is consuming enormous volumes of political news and information.

Here's some of the good stuff:

  • All About John Kerry. Wikipedia's entry on John Kerry is very informative, and contains excellent links to things like Kerry's full military records and Congressional voting record, along with this letter that he wrote to his parents from Vietnam when his best friend was killed.

  • A Candidate in the Making. The Boston Globe has an excellent series of articles about Kerry's public life, with lots of interesting supporting details. Well worth reading.

  • John Kerry's Undeclared War. The New York Times offers this excellent piece on the thinking that underlies John Kerry's foreign policy, and how it differs on a fundamental level from the Neo-conservatives leading our current war effort.

  • The #1 Reason to Vote for John Kerry. For me, it's his eloquent statement to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee in 1971 in protest of the Vietnam War. Seriously: when I saw film of this and read it, I was SOLD. You can actually Listen to it here.

  • Novelists Weigh In. Unsurprisingly, they mostly prefer Kerry. Why? Brains, Watson.

  • All About George W. Bush. Apparently the "love him or hate him president." They forgot to mention that he was a cheerleader. Plus, there's this resume, fully linked to supporting documentation. Pretty impressive for a Commander in Chief who can't recall a single mistake.

  • It's about ABORTION. Duh! Were you wondering what in the hell Gee Dubya was getting at when he randomly referenced the Dred Scott decision in his answer about what kind of Supreme Court justice he would seek to appoint? Well, wonder no more. here, too.

  • Crazy Ann Coulter. With friends like this, who needs enemies?

  • Bush vs. Science. More than 4,000 scientists, including 48 Nobel Laureates signed statement "condemning the administration for misusing, suppressing and distorting scientific advice." It's old news, I know, but worth a reminder, and it's the first time I've read the actual statement.

  • Canadian News on Iraq. A good and thorough other perspective.

  • Ecomomists Agree: Low Marks For Bush. The Economist surveys economics professors on the Bush track record. It isn't pretty. Kerry's numbers are better, but not across the board. It's a pretty interesting article.

  • The US Army in Iraq: On Hold Until After the Election. Yeah. They are waiting to make any further headway on pacifying Iraq's most dangerous regions until after the election, regardless of the fact that waiting may very well compromise the proposed January elections in Iraq.

  • The Sorry State of Journalism Nowadays. As if this unbelievable bullshit weren't enough, we have this assessment of the problems facing journalists covering the election from the New York Times. Apropos Bush's attack campaign: "So much of what they are indicting is taken out of context," said Kathleen Hall Jamieson, director of the Annenberg Public Policy Center at the University of Pennsylvania, and the author of a book on negative campaigning. "It's a matter of taking sentences out of context or parts of sentences out of context. And it's hard for journalists to write the context back in because it takes time." Oh, dear.

  • False Ads A-Ok. Good news! Candidates have a legal right to lie to us.

That's a fat load of reading. All I can say is that I have never been so obsessed with the political process in my life. I have no idea how I'm going to survive November 2nd in a relative news black-out in Prague.

Seriously Obsessed with the Election

I'm going to apologize in advance for the many episodes of capitalization and the ranting nature of this post (especially to the much esteemed Mr. Johnso, who has heard it all before), but seriously: ever since the debates, and even more after seeing that film about John Kerry, I have been seriously preoccupied with the election. I've spent hours reading election news and punditry of all kinds for the past week, and lately, I've actually stooped to watching TELEVISION NEWS, such was my hunger for details about what the hell is happening in "the horserace." Here's the thing that strikes me hardest about the debates, both the Kerry/Bush battle and the scrum last night between Cheney and Edwards: the Bush campaign thinks we're stupid, and so does television news.

Ever since last Friday, the Bush campaign has been harping on Kerry's "global test" comment, saying that Kerry would submit America's defense to a veto by foreign countries, which is explicitly the OPPOSITE of what Kerry actually said. Do they think we can't understand the words in English that Kerry actually spoke? Last night, John Edwards correctly stated that the coalition forces have sustained 90% of the casualties in the Iraq war. Cheney said he was wrong, and changed the basis of the numbers to include Iraqi casualties. Huh? Edwards said COALITION FORCES, and he was right on the numbers. It's ridiculous to include casualties sustained by the country we invaded when talking about a lack of COALITION in that action. On top of that, Dick Cheney looked straight into the camera and said he had never asserted a relationship between the attacks of 9/11 and Iraq. Pardon? He must really think we're retarded to sit at home and absorb that bald-faced lie without question when he is on VIDEO, over and over again, saying exactly that. Edwards very creditably took on the subject of specious medical malpractice lawsuits, and Cheney turned around and acted as if he had never even acknowledged the problem. Dick, we are WATCHING the debate. We can hear John Edwards speaking!

Meanwhile, television news is nothing but ridiculous punditry and spin, where they come on for hours after the debate and TELL US WHAT HAPPENED. Like we can't see and hear for ourselves. "Cheney took Edwards to the woodshed!" "Edwards looked cuter!" SHUT UP, BITCHES! The only useful purpose served by televised news broadcasts following the debates is to check the facts put up by the candidates. It does not help anyone to hear Kerry and Bush's campaign managers tell us their man won, as if we are incapable of thinking for ourselves. All that crap does is inure the viewers against actually making an attempt to process what they have just seen on their own terms. I don't need anvils dropped on my head, thanks.

Moreover, both Bush and Cheney huffed and puffed, scowled and looked affronted by every criticism leveled at the actions of their administration by Kerry and Edwards. Bush looked like he would rather have been anywhere but at that debate, and Cheney flattly ignored questions raised by Edwards on the topic of Halliburton and gave no substantive response to questions about the mis-representation of the facts leading into the invasion of Iraq. Instead of seeing these debates as an opportunity to clarify and explain themselves - something they OWE us as elected public servants who work for us - Bush sputtered petulantly, and Cheney talked down to Edwards as if he were an errant teenager. Boston Globe columnist Mike Barnicle actually used that rankled Dad act as evidence of Cheney's superiority in the debate, but Edwards asked questions that I, for one, want to hear answers to, and Cheney's refusal to address them is offensive to all of us as citizens who pay the bills for those policies. We're not electing a despot, we are electing a PUBLIC SERVANT, and we have a right to answers to those questions. If it's a specious question, I want more than exasperated head-shaking; I WANT TO KNOW WHY.

My dad, an ardently conservative Bush-supporter, is fond of telling me that "if you aren't liberal when you're young, you have no heart, and if you aren't conservative when you get older, you have no brain." I think it's his way of reconciling our divergent positions, or giving us both an excuse for being wrong without getting into the shouting match that would be sure to follow in the event that we actually talked politics; something my dad, Cheney-like, refuses to do with me. It sounds good, but like a lot of things that seem to come out of the mouths of folks on that side of the aisle, it's an aphorism that is meant to STOP further thinking. Similarly, this administration is truly asking us NOT to think. They think we should simply come along, docile and trusting, and shore up our leaders when they are faced with "evildoers" and their "axis of evil." They don't want to give us answers about the choices they've made, or submit to any kind of questioning, because they know what they're doing, and we can't possibly be expected to understand it. Instead of addressing legitimate questions, they give us ideology, black and white presentation of complex and difficult issues, and exasperated sighs when we press for answers. This letter home from a Wall Street Journal reporter (and all the news we hear everyday) underscores the fact that it is pretty goddamned important to ASK SOME QUESTIONS. Things are not going well, and no amount of mediation from our current leaders can change that.

Memo to the Bush/Cheney ticket: NOT ALL OF US ARE RETARDED.

On the other hand, I wish Kerry and Edwards would quit dumbing it down and take off the gloves. Why on earth do they keep defending on the charge of flip-flopping? An intelligent and thoughtful person MUST change their thinking when confronted with information. I think it's time to trot out a little Emerson and remind the president that "a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."

Also, I am so tired of hearing politicians play both ends against the middle on the subject of gay marriage. Marriage is not the government's business. If a church will marry a gay couple, then they are married. Period. There's an easy answer to that debate, and it's to let the government mind it's business and record civil unions, and leave the application of the word "marriage" to churches, where it belongs. Repeating that marriage is between a man and a woman is a bad strategy, and comes off as pandering to people who are terrified of fags. There's nothing those terrifying homos can do to erode the sanctity of marriage that straight people aren't creditably taking care of themselves. GET OVER IT!

PS. Don't get me wrong, people: I love my dad very much, DESPITE HIS POLITICS, and since we're both residents of California, I can cancel out his vote, and the Dems will still win. Dad, if you're reading this, LAUGH IT OFF! Don't get all mad! We still have Tyler Hamiltongate to agree on!

Fully Committed

Well, it's a done deal: I'm going to Prague for the month of November. I've sublet my house, paid my tuition and bought my plane ticket. My little monkey will stay here with friends and go to school while I'm away, and that filthy little dog will stay with him. I have a few details to sew up, but phase 1 of my master plan is in motion, and I am pleased to announce that I will not be driving a car EVEN ONCE during that entire glorious month.

Also, I will be in Prague. Whoo hoo!

In other news, between Thursday's first Presidential debate, in which George W. Bush looked like a petulant, smirking chimpanzee with no brain, and John Kerry could actually form sentences in the English language, and this film, which, for my Hollywood compatriots, is playing right now at the Arclight, I really have to say that in the upcoming election, I will be voting not only against George Bush, but emphatically and enthusaistically FOR John Kerry.

Watching Going Upriver: John Kerry's Long War really gave Kerry's comments in the debate on Thursday a new resonance and force for me. Of course I had heard about his service in Vietnam, and his subsequent involvement in Vietnam Veterans Against the War, but I didn't know the half of it. Taking the two together, I saw a man who is not only consistent in his thinking now, but who has been consistent in his thinking since his youth. I saw a man with passion, conviction and integrity, who is political in the best sense: prudent, but purposeful, and dedicated to a life of service. Kerry's plainspoken eloquence in his testimony before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee in 1971, when he protested the continuing Vietnam War, was truly heroic; and with all of the incredible parallels, even just on a linguistic level, between now and then, it made me feel like John Kerry isn't just the lesser of two evils, he's the perfect person to lead this country now. For the first time, I felt worried about this election not just because the wrong man could win, but because the right man could lose.

The bottom line is this: John Kerry had my vote as soon as he received the democratic nomination, such is my feeling of revulsion for George Bush, his administration, and his policies; but this film has made me feel actual uncynical enthusiasm for a presidential candidate. I never imagined I'd be saying this, but it's going to be an honor to vote for John Kerry.

Moreover, I learned that for crissakes, the guy had an exemplary hairstyle in the 70's. Check it:

Kerry

And seriously, GO SEE THAT AWESOME FILM!

President Jackass

Here's a little something from the LA Times today:

BushedClick for larger image

Personally, I don't want my OB/GYN "practicing her love" while I'm around. I'm just sayin'.

Bad News Bush

Yep. Farenheit 9/11.

I've always had a reservations about Michael Moore's methods and his coerciveness, and this new film seeking to out the Bush Administration as criminal has it's moments of being uncomfortably manipulative, but one thing that you really cannot miss in the film is the fact that, without a lot of help from Moore, George Bush manages to make it perfectly clear that his skull could not be any number. Tongue-tied, blank-eyed and absolutely fumbling in everyway, the only time he looks like the lights are on is when he's admiring his own golf swings. He's so smug and impenetrable. During the seeming eternity that he sits expressionlessly in front of a roomful of schoolchildren after being told that the second plane has hit in New York, Moore rhetorically asks what Bush is thinking, but I have to wonder if the man can think at all. Meanwhile, people are suffering, and our soldiers are being killed or being turned into killers for nothing but lies and profiteering.

I know Moore's film is a polemic, and that everything in it serves the agenda of indicting the President and his administration. I also know that if you choose the clips where he looks like a smirking dumbass, then that's what you've got, but as far as I'm concerned, any one of those moments of total incapacitation and demonstrable inability to think on his feet or express anything at all, is enough to confirm that he should never have taken on responsiblity for the lives of millions. I think Moore was easy on the President in a lot of ways, really, and let Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice and Ashcroft off scott-free. If he really wanted to tar and feather them, I can think of so many other angles from which he might have creditably attacked. As for the relationships and beneficiaries served by this administration's actions, at best Moore presents a whole cavalcade of ugly coincidence. At worst, if it's all true, Bush, his cronies, and his father are all worthy of criminal investigation (Where's Ken Starr when you really need him?). What strikes me most is how little room to manoeuver there is in that continuum.

Making a political comment always seems so complicated. Do I know all the facts? Probably not. What I do know, and what isn't complicated, is that what we've done in Iraq is absolutely wrong, and will breed a hatred in those good people that has a nuclear half-life; and that this President, who considers the "haves and the have mores" his base, is unforgivably stupid.

Also, thankfully, I think he's on his way out.

Geezus!

  • Here's what happened the other day: I was watching the end of Harry Potter on network television with my son. They had just wrapped up a sneak preview of all the thrills we can expect in the upcoming theatrical installment (which, if you ask me, will be thrilling just because Gary Oldman is in it, and oh my god, do I ever love me some Gary Oldman), and I was just thinking that one day the young lad who plays Ron Weasley is going to grow up to be SUCH a heartthrob, while arguing with my son over the proper pronunciation of "Hermione" when the local news breaks in telling us about an over-turned boat off the California coast (five dead! details at 11!), before cutting to a full screen photograph of an Iraqi prisoner, naked and contorted in terror, being menaced by dogs and armed military police. From Harry Potter. Who do those fuckers at the local network affiliate think is watching Harry Potter? Do they need to hammer my 12 year old son with war pornography?

  • The latest reasons to be ashamed of this god-forsaken nation are recounted in absolutely revolting detail here and even more distressingly, the failures of our military leadership here. It's a good thing we occupied someone else's country and killed thousands because Saddam Hussein was torturing prisoners... since he didn't have any weapons of mass destruction that we didn't sell him. Again: Fuckers.

  • Dumb Shit: I know this next item represents a pretty sudden leap down in seriousness, but I need to note that the whole hand over the crotch while sitting on your Porsche 911 thing is SO GAY. I especially like that this is a report from the Pakistani Daily Times. I think Mr. Brody is a brilliant actor, and moreover, that he is ludicrously attractive when wearing fancy Italian suits or snug-fitting punk-rocker costumes, but dudes, right now, I am doing the math on this, the trucker hat, and that whole thing with the cowboy from the Village People and thinking how appropos Rian's favorite eye-rolling emoticon would be right here.

(I'd ask you all to excuse my French, but nevermind; I know you speak French.)

Just a Brief Suggestion

I thought Wired's handy guide to trendy postmodern French intellectuals - Pomo to Go - was hilarious when I was drowning in theory as an English major in College (though in my experience, quoting Lacan won't really get you laid); but don't you think elementary school might be a bit early to get all pomo on these poor kids' asses?

Grooving:

Obsessed With:

  • MONKEY JACK
    Delicious!
  • GRAMMAR
    ...yeah. YAWN.
  • LIVING IN PRAGUE
    Prague is the best place ever; officially more gorgeous than Paris, London, Madrid, Budapest, Bratislava, Berlin, or Vienna.
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