In Which The Most Disgusting Thing EVER Happens in my Flat

Ok, so, two nights ago, Jack and I had a terrible time sleeping.

It was a hot night in our loft apartment, and on top of that, we kept feeling like something was crawling all over us. Be that as it may, you know how it is when you go to bed a bit late, you've got an early morning, and you're feeling a little desperate about going to sleep, right? I thought I was just being hysterical; that I felt that horrible crawly sensation once, and then imagined it over and over again, visualizing horrible little bugs in a self-perpetuating sleep-prevention drama of my own invention because of how the panic was mounting about how soon I had to wake up.

Or, perhaps it was just our minds' inability to actually make the leap to "YES! BUGS!!", because... I mean... RIGHT?! IT CAN'T BE!

Whatever the situation in our addled, sleep-deprived minds, we just spent the night tossing and turning, getting more and more frustrated, and not sleeping. Jack left early to teach a lesson, leaving me with my yoga bandage wrapped around my head to block out the sun, trying desperately to sleep for that hour and a half later that I could stay in bed, until, upon removing my blindfold, I looked down at my pillow to see that in fact, it was COVERED WITH LITTLE HORRIBLE BLACK INSECTS.

At this point, you will excuse me for the CAPS LOCK, but I FREAKED OUT. Not only were bugs crawling all over me and my bed, but they were all over the WALL ABOVE MY BED. It was HORRIBLE. What the hell were they?! Not fleas, because they didn't jump. Not lice, praise Jesus, because they were black and not in my hair. Ticks? They looked like ticks, but no, they weren't stuck to me, or sucking me bone dry en masse. So, WHAT?

It turns out that they were PIGEON MITES that crawled in through one of our bedroom windows that opens onto the building's air shaft. We don't open it because of the disgusting pigeon domain just outside of it, but we do open just the top, just a little, to let in a little air on those hot nights, and all I can say is EEEUUUURRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

Needless to say I washed everything (including, in my frenzy, my mobile phone) in a machine set to STERILZE, showered with manic energy and furious scrubbing, and then called Jack to beg him to please GO HOME AND KILL THEM ALL, which he did, the dear, dear creature.

Since then, however, we've been sleeping on the floor in our living room, and I'm covered with little itchy bumps, which are either bites, in which case, I hope the horrible little beasts haven't given me encephalitis, bird flu, or the freaking BLACK PLAGUE, and that they haven't laid eggs under my skin, or burrowed in there to make me their new host or some shit, but the foregoing list should give you some idea of the subsequent PANIC engendered by this violation of MY GODDAMNED BED, and some sense of the kind of hysteria Jack and has been putting up with with sympathy and understanding in heroic proportions, since the ATTACK.

Those of you who know me well know how I feel about the sanctitiy of my BED, for Chrissakes.

So, yeah. TRAUMA IN PRAGUE. I hope I make it.

Comments

[Susan]

EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

[tosho the terrible]

If comedy is other people's misery then that explains the tears running down my face.

Well, just goes to show you that the old saying, pigeons are just rats with wings, holds true in Europe as well.

Happy H5N1:)

And if you are the first people to get a disease, they will name it after you!

And with bugs that small, do you ever really feel clean again, EVER?

LMAO

[Bryan]

This is a SERIOUSLY bad nightmare come to life.

All I can think of is the "bug ceiling" scene in SUSPIRIA.

UGH. UGH. UGH. Feel better, you guys.

[kate]

OMG...YOUR BED!!!! This HAS to top Woodsey peeing on it and THAT was quite a moment.

GEEZE....that's got to be one of your worst nightmares, all that soft, clean, pristine bedding covered with little black bugs. They're getting in over here as well, but not in the numbers you describe.

I send condolences to you for the event and Jack for what I KNOW happened in response!

[Jane]

Ok, so we finally moved back into our room. The bugs appear to be gone, but let me tell you something: my fear that they are there is totally not gone. I felt phantom crawling ALL NIGHT, and checked repeatedly, only to find NOTHING.

Having said that, we seem to be experiencing a mass influx of SPIDERS now. Jack says that they are probably our friends, and are clearing the room of nastier creatures, but...

EEUUUURRRRGGGHHH!!

Oh, and Tosh? Laugh it up, bitch. Laugh it up.

[Jane]

Oh, and Bryan? Thank GOD I have never seen Suspira.

Susan, I am totally right on that page, and Mom, Woodsy was NOTHING compared to this. NOTHING.

[rcjohnso]

Look on the bright side, at least you... uh... didn't... um....

Yeah, there is no bright side to this really. That's disgusting.

[Tara H.]

Ewwwwwwwwww! I'm sorry that happened to you guys, Jaime. It's soooooooooooooo ICKY! Yuck. Aaaack. Spat. Barf.

I feel better now.

And hey, don't listen to Rian. At least you didn't eat any of them! It's very unlikely any of them crawled into your mouth when you were sleeping. See, there's a bright side!

[tosho the terrible]

But Tara,

They were so small, like little crunchy poppy seeds. How do you know they aren't just hibernating burrowed in some ear wax or some warm moist sinus cavity? You just gotta wait till they lay their eggs and die.
.
And I wonder; is it possible that something has died and is rotting behind your walls?
.
Pigeon mite bite and I don't care,
Pigeon mite bite and I don't care,
Pigeon mite bite and I don't care,
I love Prague anyway!
.
(The Bitch, laughing it up)

[Jaime]

The hell with all of you.

[Michele]

OMG! That post totally reminded me of the roach fest that was our apartment in Boston. My skin is crawling just thinking about it.

[tosho the terrible]

To-Do List

1] Stop laughing

2] Go to Hell.

http://www.whatsthatbug.com/home_invasion.html

http://www.radoslawspiewak.net/2004-5.htm

And you know, even if they aren't marching into the apartment, the trillions of them are out there...waiting.

[Fionn]

OMG!!! Like, where am I going to sleep when I visit? I mean, should I bring a portable bed with spindly legs and little water vessels to place at the bottom of them so the vermin can't crawl up?

I know, take me out drinking a lot so I won't notice...

[karen]

Oh, it could be worse. At Indiana University, they have nuclear mutant cockroaches the size of my palm, and I'm *not exaggerating.*

[Tara H.]

Tosho,

That bug site is... interesting. Very interesting. Do you think it's possible that the pigeon mites are a figment of Jaime and Jack's imaginations? (Fionn, there's nothing to worry about.)

-Tara H.

[tosho the terrible]

Fionn,
Bugs or not, if you are staying with Crayzee Baybee, get a cootie booster!

[shawnzee]

OMG Janey, yeechhh! You've utterly and hideously topped a "night of the living insect" experience I had whilst in a B&B in a small town near Guadalajara (wherein I saw the most God-awful science fiction insect ever -- indescribably shudder inducing). My deepest, darkest sympathies to you both!!! xxx

[Jane]

OMG, Fionn. You posted a message on my blog! Listen my darling, you will not have to worry about bugs. Jacob, you know, is here now in Prague, sleeping where you will sleep when you visit, and he has had absolutely NO PART of our bug problem. Moreover, long before you come to my fair city, the pigeon nest outside my window will be gone, and our landlord will have installed a net over the airshaft that prevent their entry to their former realm.

Bug update: they are MOSTLY gone, but we have had to move the bed away from the wall, because we still get a straggler or two wandering on down it, thought there has been no repeat of the situation involving their presence IN MY BED. Over the weekend, I sterilized the ENTIRE ROOM, and haven't seen even ONE since then, but... I won't feel safe from the scourge until the f*ing pigeons are gone.

Even though I told you all to go to hell, please know that I love you all.

[kate]

After reading all of these, it just occured to me....this is, finally, THE ATTACK OF THE BLACK BITS!!!!!!!

[tosho the terrible]

Even though I told you all to go to hell, please know that I love you all.
==========================
Being loved in Hell is one of my goals in life.
.
And, Fionn, posted...
.
Hmmmm
.
And Kate, I have been attacked by black bits, black naughty bits, it was always a pleasant experience.

[tosho the terrible]

Two weeks.

Two.

2

ZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZz
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zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Tara H.]

hey jaime! i'm here with steve and zak. steve says he doesn't want to say hi and zak says you have a big nose and your boyfriend dresses you funny. we're having some wine, on the second bottle now. and, we're about to watch zodiac. and, we all miss you very much and wish that you were here. they're talking about film stuff now. 10 bit?. log. raw images. greeen screen. hd monitor. wow, this looks amazing. 8 bit. broadcast. log, not linear.

:-)

love,
tara xooxo

[Tara H.]

p.s. when are you coming for a visit? come soon!

[Joan Monastero]

I have this problem. My entire apartment is infested, they are so small, some are black and are the biters,some are white and attach themselves to my hair and eyelashes I have already bombed my apartment twice. (NO RESULTS). I get bit at least 100 times a day but they never bother my dog. What can I do HELP!!!!!!