Seriously, stop screwing around and click on the text below to read even more of the best thing ever:
One time I was sitting in the living room of my old apartment in New York, minding my own business, when my friend Mike said that he felt lonely, and couldn't wait to have a girlfriend someday. I folded up my US Weekly, lit a cigarette, and said, "Do you want to know my life-philosophy?"
In other news, my monkey told me, last night before bed, that he has decided that he is going to totally brush the hell out of his teeth, morning and night, more than ever before, for every day before we fly back to Los Angeles.
"Why? To impress your girlfirends?" I asked him.
To which he giggled in exactly that manner that tells you JUST HOW TRUE IT IS, and then said:
"Noooo! Anyway, I only have one girlfriend."