As my readers may be aware, I hate the dentist. Up until today, I had never had anything more serious than a filling at the hands of a dental professional, but today, all that changed, because I had one of my wisdom teeth PULLED OUT WITH PLIERS!
To properly tell you about this, I need to go back to last week, though, to the time when I had a dental appointment scheduled, but seriously, I chickened out. I got up in the morning, remembered that I had to drive myself to my dentist's office, and then let him pull out one of my teeth, and then I just said, "Yeah. Not so much," and cancelled that appointment. I should also note, for the sake of full disclosure, that I lied to get out of it: I told them I had car trouble, but... not so much. This hits again on the theme of LYING and GUILT that goes hand in hand with DENTISTRY.
Unfortunately, the removal of that grody, cavitied-up, broken, nasty-ass wisdom tooth was essential, and moreover, I have been repeatedly warned of the dangers of letting potential dental emergencies fester, only to have them flare up in, say, PRAGUE, or some shit; and then having to face the mysterious frontier of Czech Dentistry... Which, I'm sure is fine, but just for the hell of it, maybe I should make every effort to avert the possibility of having to communicate any dental concerns in what I'm told is a uniquely impenetrable language, and probably won't be improved by the potential agony of a dental emergency and my deep-seated terror of any proceedure that involves pointy metal instruments in my mouth. My friends, I realized two things: first, that the tooth had to go, and soon, and secondly, that there was NO WAY that I was going to be able to drive myself to the dentist, park my car, walk into the building and say, "Hello. Please PULL OUT MY TOOTH WITH PLIERS, would you?" I was going to need some moral support. Lucky for me, I have Steve. Steve wonderful Steve, the best friend a girl could ever have, who agreed to take me to the dentist as if I were a FIVE YEAR OLD. Because, that's the kind of help I needed, people.
So, yeah. This morning, I had no choice, with Steve at the wheel, follow-through on my dental mission was inevitable, and my stomach was churning. After the nurse-lady talked me into the chair, and I made sure she knew the details of my fragile mental state, the dentist came in and shot me full of local anaesthetic, and then told me that he would be back when I was all numbed up. I sat there for ten minutes panicking about how I could still feel my gums on the inside, with my tongue, and was pretty sure that I was going to die of agony. Then he came back:
Dentist: Are you ok?
Me, totally hysterical: Um, yeah, but I can still totally feel my gums on the inside, and I think I can still feel my tooth! Meh!
Dentist, with some exasperation: That's because I haven't numbed the inside yet.
Me, not buying it: Oh.
This is turning into a long story about my tooth extraction, but it was really like lightening. About 2 minutes later, after a somewhat harrowing deep shot into my tooth's roots, and then a shocking procedure in which the dentist leaned over me with a variety of sharp pointy objects and then THE DREADED PLIERS. He applied a good deal of elbow grease, produced a lot of gross sounds, and then plinked my sick, bloody, disgusting tooth onto the instrument tray. I tried to pick it up, but reacted to it the same way I would when trying to pick up a gross insect, dropped it, and barely restrained a girly shriek.
It didn't hurt a bit, but don't think that'll help next time.
Sorry - I'm a little confused as to how this relates to the election?
Posted by: rcjohnso | 19 říjen 2004 at 03:06 dop.
Obviously the fact that I finally buckled down and had this tooth pulled out, a tooth that was KILLING ME at Christmastime, and which, for the past 10 months I have been avoiding dealing with, OBVIOUSLY, that means you are about to lose 5$, my dear friend. In the same way that I have dealt with my poisonous wisdom tooth, the American People will deal with GW. Oh yes.
Posted by: Jane Herself | 19 říjen 2004 at 03:32 dop.
It'll take a lot of elbow grease and a shot of anesthetic directly into the brains of half the country (so they miss going to the polls) to extract that motherfucker from the White House.
Posted by: Matt Ambrose | 19 říjen 2004 at 03:58 dop.
Having lived (and had dental work done) in Europe, and having talked to many colleagues who grew up in eastern Europe as well, I can tell you that the idea of pain management is seriously different here. From a European perspective, we are totally coddled. If pain is your issue, then you REALLY want to have the work done here.
Posted by: Mark Russell | 19 říjen 2004 at 08:32 odp.
Oh man, I can feel your pain, literaly. I spent most of my youth in a dentist's chair. The crowning moment of orthodentic glory came when I left home. I was about to change cities and go off my mother's dental plan. I put it off as long as I could which turned out to be a mistake. I needed three cavities filled and left it so long they had to do them all at once. Because of the possibility of swallowing my tounge they only blocked the nerve on one side and did an infiltration on the other. I think infiltration is more often spelled p,l,a,c,e,b,o. To make a perfect day even better they did the nerve block on the wrong side. I had two cavities filled with what amounted to no anesthetic. I would have renounced my Canadian citizenship, emigrated and voted Republican to get them to stop. Really.
From an outsider's perspective it seems like Kerry's going to win, despite what the polls say. But then, I was dropped on my head a lot as a kid. It made me not only beautiful but unreasonable optimistic about politics.
Posted by: Coelecanth | 19 říjen 2004 at 08:56 odp.
Matty: I think those voters have already been anesthetized. If only they could feel my pain at the very possibility of another nucular State of the Union address. Also, there are those serious matters... but I'll stop myself before the ranting begins.
Mark: Yeah, that's what I'm told. Personally, the more I can avoid any kind of dental engagement in a foreign language and a place where I'm not certain that the standards in painlessness are up to my pansy American snuff, the better. Also, I hope you're well!
Coelecanth: Yes! Kerry is looking good. It's the second day he's been ahead in terms of the Electoral College in Slate's Election Scorecard. Oh man, how I love that rueful picture of GW with the black eye! I hope they're right! Still, things are sure to get uglier and uglier between now and November 2nd, and I've just read an extremely disturbing article in the Atlantic Monthly about Karl Rove's tactics when the chips are down... On the downside, when Kerry is elected, I hope someone gets him to stop saying "idear," because I HATE THAT.
Posted by: Jane Herself | 19 říjen 2004 at 09:13 odp.
Holy Crap(!), I'm out of it! You're in Prague. I should check in more often. Did you e-mail Rachel? She never mentioned whether you wrote or not. I agree with Locutus--humor is the key to education. I'd also add that, at least in the States, it's also important to vote against Chimp Boy Stutter F**k. Have fun in Prague, good luck, and drop a line when you have some time.
Posted by: Charlie Melk | 02 listopad 2004 at 05:36 dop.
Dental pliers are wicked, you're right about that. That is why I prefer sedation dentistry every time I have a dental operation. I won't remember a thing and I won't see the dreaded pliers.
Posted by: Patsy Dupre | 16 srpen 2011 at 08:46 odp.