I've been making big plans lately, and dreaming big dreams; but I've also been waking up in the middle of the night with my heart in my throat, wondering if this will finally be the moment when I fall off the edge of the map, and wondering if I actually do have the strength for complete oblivion.
At this moment, the wheels are in motion for me to go to Prague for the month of November to study for a CELTA at the International House. I've been accepted into the program, so all that's left is make my final arrangements, pay the money, and go. I'm excited about that because I've never been to Prague, but I've seen ample evidence that it is beautiful. I know they experience a winter over there, and I can't wait to be cold and wearing my hat and scarf. More importantly, though, I really need a change of scene, and there's nothing I dream of more than travel.
I'm trying to use this time of being unemployed to find a way to do the things I've always wanted to do; travel, write, and maybe even follow through on just ONE of my millions of incomplete projects. The question, though, has always been "how in the hell can I fund my endless summer, whilst taking proper care of my precious little monkey in a manner befitting a little monkey like him?" One solution I've come up with is teaching English as a foreign language to foreign people in foreign lands, which gives me the benefit of being in foreign, unfamiliar places. I like to hope that it would be a rich and rewarding experience for my boy, and it would also allow me to break entirely with my well-worn tracks while giving me the opportunity to leave this godforsaken country should George W. Bush be re-elected.
Teaching might be a good way, and if it can be combined with travel, I think it's worth it to roll the dice and find out; but that brings me to another point. I am freaking terrified of gambling. If I go to Vegas, I play along by putting about $7 into the slot machines, and then spend the rest of the time taking pictures on the strip. The only time I enjoy gambling is at the race track, with a cut-off at $25, or that one time I won $50 when Freddie Rodriguez became US Pro Champion for the third time. That was cool, but I was pretty darned sure that bet would go my way. Needless to say, when it comes to the care and feeding of my boy, I'm really not a gambler. For the past ten years, I have played it very safe, and opted for security over happiness. When I lost my job, I don't mind telling you that I freaked out (and seriously, the use of the past tense in that last sentence is disingenuous on my part), but at the same time, I would never have had the stones to quit my miserable slavery in search of something as silly as happiness. Now, I'm flat broke, my car is broken, and I'm about one disaster away from the bitter end, but at least there are possibilities; which doesn't mean that I'm not completely beside myself with terror. There are TWO OF ME TYPING RIGHT NOW.
To take the rolling of the dice even further: readers of my blog will know how much I am positively jonesing for Scandinavia, land of snow and Vikings. I'm sure my pre-occupation with the frozen north is at least two parts unfounded romantic silliness, but really, what could be better than Viking Sagas, implaccable forces of nature, clean northern cities with spotless subway systems, and the very thought of SIMPLY NOT OWNING A CAR? If every single detail comes out just as I hope it will, I will soon be visiting a very kind friend in Kolding, Denmark, who will help me investigate the feasibility of my moving to wonderful Copenhagen, to take up a post. IF ONLY. Seriously, people; I would cry tears of joy.
I'm writing this down because my knees are knocking together, and I feel like I'm about to ante up way more than I can afford to lose. At the same time, I'm full of hopeful anticipation, and feel like the chances are good that all of this could come to pass. I also want to go on record as to the nature of my plans so that I will feel embarrassed in front of the entire internet by my cowardice if I fail to put my full weight behind them; but if I crash and burn, I hope you will all avert your eyes, because it's not going to be pretty.
On another note, I hope you've all enjoyed the insane melodrama of this and other recent posts. I want to remind you all that I am well aware of the fact that I am freaking OVERWROUGHT. I can't capitalize that enough.
It's times like these that you gotta ask WWTCD? (What Would The Cannible Do?)
Given a goal Merckx would throw himself headfirst into it and leave everything on the road. Failure was aways a possibility, indeed even he didn't win every race, but giving less than 100% wasn't. Hell, I don't even believe he was never afraid, despite the evidence he's human, just that he used it to motivate.
Go for what you really want, give it everything. Even if you fail you'll be happier and set a great example for your little one.
Besides, from the comments around here I see you've got the right sort of people in your life. If things don't work out they'll pick you gently up, dust you tenderly off and give you the most brutal kick in ass to stop you feeling sorry for yourself. Can't ask for more than that.
Posted by: Coelecanth | 25 září 2004 at 10:14 odp.
Here, here, Coelecanth! Jane, what's the worst that can happen? Perhaps you might find yourself in Denmark with no job and no money? So what? You know I would send you the cash in a flash to get you back. You and the monkey could always come live with me. And I mean that seriously. You and the monkey homeless?
NOT WHILE I'M ALIVE!!!
Love and most deeply felt affection from,
your Matt
Posted by: Matt Ambrose | 26 září 2004 at 02:39 dop.
Oh... but don't think I'm mollifying you, bitch.
Posted by: Matt Ambrose | 26 září 2004 at 02:41 dop.
Coelecanth: I'm not too sure about modeling myself after the Cannibal, frankly, because the worst that could happen to him is that he'd lose, or maybe crash or some shit; meanwhile, the stakes in child-rearing are a little bit higher. But, you are right about my peeps. They rule. And, your point is a good one: leave it all on the road. Noted.
Matty: I know you'd be there to back me up. Get prepared for us to move in within a couple of months. I hope your ball and chain is on board. See you soon.
Posted by: Jane Herself | 26 září 2004 at 08:03 odp.
Hike up your skirts and get going! I'm a settled person now, but I spent the 15 years after high school moving to foreign countries and finding jobs, usually when I was down to $20. What I learned from of it (besides a bunch of ways to say "Skal!") was that it's a much less undertaking than everyone back home imagines. You won't starve; you will find a job; you will not be a bad monkey-keeper. You go, girl.
Posted by: meg | 27 září 2004 at 03:32 dop.
Well, I'm not sure I can hack the getting down to $20 thing, and I do need to put my boy in school; but if I can work the bare minimum of reasonable upkeep, I will go. Nothing can stop me. Especially if there's some chance I can live in a place where people are routinely named things like "Gunnar," "Einar," or "Aksel."
If I can make it work, I think it will make me a good monkey keeper, even... but I hope it works!
Thanks for reading, and for your comments, Meg!
~Jane
Posted by: Jane Herself | 28 září 2004 at 08:10 dop.
When you look back at the broken dreams and the unrealized expectations sprinkled with bouts of poverty and depression you have nothing to do but give Precious Monkey enough unique life experiences to write about you years after you have been devoured by wild dogs. You will be nostalgic fodder for the Precious Monkey machine. You shall be immortalized as his grotesque muse. Don't worry, be happy.
Tosho, June gloom, July gloom, August gloom, September gloom...
Posted by: Tosho | 30 září 2004 at 08:33 odp.
And Crazy Baybee, I absolutely LOVE the B&W close up of you on the Blog. It is sooo Joan Crawford. The steely eyed determination softened by a wisp of heartfelt emotion topped off by the been-there-done-it sexy cheek scar. It gets me all, well... it gets me.
Tosh, oh kitty, get the whip.
Posted by: Tosho | 30 září 2004 at 08:40 odp.