Oh, how I hate and fear the dentist! No dentist has ever harmed me, and my dental history, to date, contains nothing fearsome - only 2 cavitites, and the occasional x-ray and hygiene appointment. I have never suffered even a moment's pain at the dentist, but that doesn't seem to stop my guts from wrenching for hours prior to the dreaded appointment, and when I leave, I always feel wrung out from tension and the guilt of having failed to floss adequately, or some shit.
What is it with the dentist, that they have to make you feel, in addition to the discomfort of sitting there and having some stranger in latex gloves poking around in your mouth with clicking, cringe-inducing, sharp little tools, while they blow water into your mouth and suck out saliva and what not with the fucking little vacum hose, but on top of that, they pile on the guilt about whether or not you've been brushing and flossing three times a day?!
Here's my conversation with the dental hygienist:
Him: How's your flossing?
Me: (lying) uh... good. (in fact, my teeth are pretty far apart from one another, and I do floss, but nothing like the twice a day this guy is advocating, Jesus! First, I'm inadequate, then I'm actually lying to save face!
Him: Do your gums bleed when you brush?
Me: (guilty, and a liar) Sometimes...
Him: (disapproval writ large all over his face) That's BAD.
Me: (getting my just deserts and feeling like a grody-mouthed loser) Oh.
Friggin' dental bitches! By the time I escape their clutches I am so spent! Plus, I can't get over the sense of distrust - the same sense of being asked, in a vulnerable moment, to bend over that you get at the auto mechanic - that they are going to drill the crap out of your teeth needlessly just to fleece the insurance providers for an extra buck. Then you'll have have to listen to that noise the drill makes.
So, to make a long story short, trip to the dentist = fear of pain, fear of wallet rape, lying to save face, gross sounds, plus guilt and inadequacy. Yeah, it's a good time. But, more importantly, holy shit, people, am I some crazy, overwrought bitch, or what?
Here are some links that will help you get off my blog:
- Super-genius extraordinaire Nathan Johnson is joining forces with Hollywood Force of Nature Rian Johnson to provide the coolest movie ever with the most kickass soundtrack ever. OH MY GOD! I am DYING OF THE ANTICIPATION!
- Awesome! U2 has a new record coming out really soon! My next love letter may have to be to Bono, because Sweet Jesus, do I love me some Bono.
- This made me laugh my ass off. Matt, please read that first comment. I nearly busted a gasket, and immediately thought about your grandmother's picture of "the Lord."