How Much I Hate The Dentist

Oh, how I hate and fear the dentist! No dentist has ever harmed me, and my dental history, to date, contains nothing fearsome - only 2 cavitites, and the occasional x-ray and hygiene appointment. I have never suffered even a moment's pain at the dentist, but that doesn't seem to stop my guts from wrenching for hours prior to the dreaded appointment, and when I leave, I always feel wrung out from tension and the guilt of having failed to floss adequately, or some shit.

What is it with the dentist, that they have to make you feel, in addition to the discomfort of sitting there and having some stranger in latex gloves poking around in your mouth with clicking, cringe-inducing, sharp little tools, while they blow water into your mouth and suck out saliva and what not with the fucking little vacum hose, but on top of that, they pile on the guilt about whether or not you've been brushing and flossing three times a day?!

Here's my conversation with the dental hygienist:

Him: How's your flossing?
Me: (lying) uh... good. (in fact, my teeth are pretty far apart from one another, and I do floss, but nothing like the twice a day this guy is advocating, Jesus! First, I'm inadequate, then I'm actually lying to save face!
Him: Do your gums bleed when you brush?
Me: (guilty, and a liar) Sometimes...
Him: (disapproval writ large all over his face) That's BAD.
Me: (getting my just deserts and feeling like a grody-mouthed loser) Oh.

Friggin' dental bitches! By the time I escape their clutches I am so spent! Plus, I can't get over the sense of distrust - the same sense of being asked, in a vulnerable moment, to bend over that you get at the auto mechanic - that they are going to drill the crap out of your teeth needlessly just to fleece the insurance providers for an extra buck. Then you'll have have to listen to that noise the drill makes.

So, to make a long story short, trip to the dentist = fear of pain, fear of wallet rape, lying to save face, gross sounds, plus guilt and inadequacy. Yeah, it's a good time. But, more importantly, holy shit, people, am I some crazy, overwrought bitch, or what?

Here are some links that will help you get off my blog:

• Super-genius extraordinaire Nathan Johnson is joining forces with Hollywood Force of Nature Rian Johnson to provide the coolest movie ever with the most kickass soundtrack ever. OH MY GOD! I am DYING OF THE ANTICIPATION!

• Awesome! U2 has a new record coming out really soon! My next love letter may have to be to Bono, because Sweet Jesus, do I love me some Bono.

• This made me laugh my ass off. Matt, please read that first comment. I nearly busted a gasket, and immediately thought about your grandmother's picture of "the Lord."

Comments

[Matt Ambrose]

Oh my god, I LOVE going to the dentist! It's like getting a manicure. In fact, I've always thought it was a huge hole in the market that dentists and beauty scientists didn't join forces. Getting a mani/pedi/botox while having one's teeth cleaned/filled would be positively orgasmic.

Yeah baby... yeah!

That Vince Gallo shit rules. Incidentally, any velvet paintings of Elvis also follow you with their eyes. Some creepy shit, that.

[Jane Herself]

You are a pervy bastard.

[Tosho]

But, more importantly, holy shit, people, am I some crazy, overwrought bitch, or what?
======================================
Lord, how I love the obvious. This is your essence sweetie, dahling. Embrace it. It makes you, you.

Crazee Baybee, if you weren't you'd be duller than Finland without electricity.
Ho, hum.

The Tosh of the Town

[rcjohnso]

Ladies and gentlemen... MARGARET CHO!!!!!!!!!

(THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE)

Hi Matt - was just clued into your secret identity :-)

[Jane Herself]

Tosh: Finland without electricity sounds THRILLING!

Rian: I'm not getting the Magaret Cho thing. I've never seen her schtick... Anyone? Anyone?

[Matt Ambrose]

Hey rcjohnso, I'm lovin' the new pic on your website.

Jane, I think you would love Margaret Cho. She always makes squnity eyes when impersonating her Korean mother. She's a totally coked out fag hag, which I know is also your goal in life. She could be your role model, 'n' shit.

[Jane Herself]

Yeah, I see what you're saying there, Matt, because there's nothing I aspire to more than being a coked out fag hag. Oh, and by the way, thanks a lot, Rian.

[rcjohnso]

Thanks Matt :)

And I never accused you of being coked out, CJ. Jeesh.

Margaret Cho's entire act can pretty much be summed up by saying this phrase in a valley girl-ish accent:

"So I'm, like, Asian, and I was blowing this guy..."

[nathanj]

Hi CJ. Just wanted to say hi.
That's pretty much it.

[Jane Herself]

So, here's my question: what exactly constitutes the state of fag-haggery? I mean, do you actually have to want to HAVE SEX with your gay friends to be a fag hag, or prefer the company of queeny homos to that of regular, fashion challenged staight guys; or what?

Can any of my readers offer an expert opinion here?

Rian: Yeah, whatever.

Nathan: Hi! (...and thanks for thinking of me!)

[Tara H.]

I looked it up in the dictionary and found that a fag hag is a "woman who likes to spend time with homosexual men". That didn't sound right, so I looked it up in another dictionary which defines a fag hag as "a woman who PREFERS the company of gay men; the female best friend of a gay man (sometimes considered pejorative)".

A 70's slang dictionary defined a fag hag as a "David Bowie fan. Or any female who is attracted to homosextual males".

And FYI... a hag fag is "the male who hangs around with his fag-hag. Fag-hags and hag-fags have special bonds, like fancying same blokes".

For more info on the subject, read "Fag Hags- A Social Analysis": http://www.angelfire.com/ny2/Aternyde2/faghags.html

[Emmy Summers]

Oh no! It's not good for you in the long run. Having a fear of dentists can result in a lot of damage for your teeth and even in your entire health. I remember a friend who was like you. I encouraged her to go and let her teeth checked. Now she sees the dentist twice a year. So what about that? I hope you can be like her too! Cheers! :)